The writer/Muse inside me is always willing to explore the dark, twisted, and shall I say demon
side. What can I say, I consider this my day/night job currently. Through my writing this occasionally manifests in weird, sometimes embarrassing
ways. It is my intention that something I write whether it's a story or blog post will help someone else. Enter the second part to Confused Connie or as it was originally titled, Confused
Connie Again (CCA).
I sat down to edit and repost this story. It was the game plan set forth in my last post and boom, it's a (mind)field. I stopped reading, closed it and decided to process my reaction instead. So today I decided to prepare my Muse for demon psyche battle. I made a cup of coffee, started writing, stopped, played a game on my phone, took a shower and started my day again with a new cup of coffee and my go-to reading for inspiration.
As I mentioned in my last post incest is a taboo topic that I chose to tackle. I posted Confused Connie to Literotica back when I first wrote it. At the time I had some real world issues I was working through with my alcoholic father along with a few other life depressors like unemployment. I hadn’t written Forced to Change. Back in 2010 I’d never thought about publishers let alone known any might one day be interested in my work. So as I mentioned earlier I pulled the story down when I saw an opportunity to transition my art, er, uh writing to mainstream. A chance to finally beat down the unemployment factor that was still playing a vicious role in my life and decision making? Yeah! Woo Hoo! Three months ago my publishers and I parted ways. Oh nuts, here we go again.
As I said, about a month ago I started rereading CCA and I stopped. I have some weird feelings about the writing today, mostly it is not who I am as a writer, storyteller, or even person now. So I can’t decide if I should or more importantly can repost the follow up piece. When I compare and contrast who I am today versus who I was four years ago there are huge differences. I attacked different subject matter, processing my then current issues. This is the challenge of an artist’s Muse. Mine, silly one that she is, freely admits she is dark, twisted, and an undercover sadist in comparison to my being a full blown masochist.
I sat down to edit and repost this story. It was the game plan set forth in my last post and boom, it's a (mind)field. I stopped reading, closed it and decided to process my reaction instead. So today I decided to prepare my Muse for demon psyche battle. I made a cup of coffee, started writing, stopped, played a game on my phone, took a shower and started my day again with a new cup of coffee and my go-to reading for inspiration.
As I mentioned in my last post incest is a taboo topic that I chose to tackle. I posted Confused Connie to Literotica back when I first wrote it. At the time I had some real world issues I was working through with my alcoholic father along with a few other life depressors like unemployment. I hadn’t written Forced to Change. Back in 2010 I’d never thought about publishers let alone known any might one day be interested in my work. So as I mentioned earlier I pulled the story down when I saw an opportunity to transition my art, er, uh writing to mainstream. A chance to finally beat down the unemployment factor that was still playing a vicious role in my life and decision making? Yeah! Woo Hoo! Three months ago my publishers and I parted ways. Oh nuts, here we go again.
As I said, about a month ago I started rereading CCA and I stopped. I have some weird feelings about the writing today, mostly it is not who I am as a writer, storyteller, or even person now. So I can’t decide if I should or more importantly can repost the follow up piece. When I compare and contrast who I am today versus who I was four years ago there are huge differences. I attacked different subject matter, processing my then current issues. This is the challenge of an artist’s Muse. Mine, silly one that she is, freely admits she is dark, twisted, and an undercover sadist in comparison to my being a full blown masochist.
My
hesitations are about the fact that I am forcing myself to revisit some old
wounds in my life. The masochist in me prefers pain spiked with pleasure and this is more pain than anything else. To work on this story I must face wounds which I have closed and healed. For the most part I enjoy writing and never know where it will take me. It is one of my main goals for my life to use my work to do some self-work as well.
I use my writing as personal therapy. That inner work on self is usually reflected in my newer projects. Unfortunately my decision to repost my incest pieces has made me acutely aware of these old scars. So the challenge I’ve inadvertently set forth for myself is to take a long hard look at an old battlefield with new eyes.
I use my writing as personal therapy. That inner work on self is usually reflected in my newer projects. Unfortunately my decision to repost my incest pieces has made me acutely aware of these old scars. So the challenge I’ve inadvertently set forth for myself is to take a long hard look at an old battlefield with new eyes.
Add to
this problem, I stumbled onto Literotica at a time in my life when my target
audience changed. I sought out (Dirty Old Men) DOMs to view my work instead of my trusted friends and family members. Strangers instead of people who know me well. Now that I’m working on the finishing touches to FTC my circle of peeps know how to find my work too. Also the realist in me has hopes of publishing and marketing FTC to yet another type of audience. So I have to ask
myself the question 'is this something I really want to explore and expose
about myself as a writer'. The situation with my now ex-publishers suggests it
is not a good way to go.
This line of thinking may or may not be a good idea as it pertains to marketing to a mass market with the hopes of mass appeal too. I promised
myself to be more honest with myself about six months ago. If I really want the advantage of being
more truthful with myself, the knowledge I’ve gained from processing my demons
and baggage for the sake of my writing I do need to finish what I’ve started.
It isn’t always easy to go over painful events from my past, but processing and
writing them down is self-work that I recognize as a major improvement to my
own creative. I was inspired to this course of action as I mentioned in the following post.
Okay, so since I’m set with my intentions by this blog post. I’ll let you, my dear readers know how it goes by the end of the month. I’m going to pray on it and hope it is the benefit I believe it can be to my writing. If not, comfort food and TV marathons are in my future, while I process the need for another plan of attack for my inner demons, er, I mean my writing.
Okay, so since I’m set with my intentions by this blog post. I’ll let you, my dear readers know how it goes by the end of the month. I’m going to pray on it and hope it is the benefit I believe it can be to my writing. If not, comfort food and TV marathons are in my future, while I process the need for another plan of attack for my inner demons, er, I mean my writing.
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